June 1

So I’ve been negligent in my blog duties. I’m sorry, but at the same time I can’t lie… I just didn’t want to do it. Every delicious, juicy, tasty moment I have free is usually spent sleeping. I tend to put the blogging off as much as possible.

There’s a lot that has happened since I last put up a blog. The Infa has been very stressful… not even because of the kids, but because of staff that I haven’t been getting along with. This is really difficult for me because I have never had this much conflict with someone in my life. I’m learning all kind of life skills I never ever wanted to learn. Conflict is something I try to avoid at all times, but I’m glad (at least I’m trying to be) that God is helping me learn from all these difficulties.

Also, there was a girl that went missing a while back. Her name is Rixi and she’s 12 years old. She was gone for 6 days before she showed up again at her house. Here’s the story….there’s this girl that lives close to Rixi. She’s around 15 or 16 and she used to go to the Infa when I started working there. She only went a few times, but it was enough for me to get to know her a bit. She was a quiet, modest girl. She would never talk back and would always do her chore well without complaining. Her brother and sister were the same way. Then she didn’t come back for a while. I would see her sometimes, but it would be on the bus and so I wouldn’t be able to stop and talk to her. She looked completely different. She was wearing short short skirts, ridiculous amounts of makeup, and lots of jewelry. One day she told Rixi that she was going to go into town to buy stuff so Rixi went with her. In town, she grabbed Rixi and dragged her to the bus stop. Apparently this teenage girl is dating one of the bus drivers (likely to be many many many years older). They made Rixi go in the bus and rode off. They dropped Rixi off far away saying that they were going to sell her for 200 limps (approx. 10 dollars). They also said that she had to stay there or else they’d go and kill her brother. Rixi waited for a while until it was getting late and so she started walking back. For six days she walked towards home during the day and slept in the dirt by night. She walked back without any food. She drank water from the nearby rivers to survive. Honduras isn’t exactly the safest country and even so, she made it back safely. God heard the many prayers that were going up for her and he answered them, making sure she was protected. Now she’s living at the Infa. I think it’s a good idea because the parents just let her go wander the streets when she wants to. She sells food out by the hospital late at night and then has to make the long trek up to her house alone. Mirna, the “mom” at the Infa, is going to take good care of her. I went with Rixi to buy a new uniform and some new shoes. Everytime I’d see her before, her skirt would have a hole in it, or she’d be wearing sandals to school when everyone else wears shoes. Her shirt would always be dirty and her hair was never combed. Now I know that Mirna will make sure she washes her clothes everyday and that she takes care of her things.

Talk about buying her clothes reminds me of something else… I have been buying a lot of the kids uniforms and shoes lately. I haven’t before because of a bad experience when Tarynn and I tried to help one of the kids. I don’t think I’ve fully realized how much these families appreciate it. I know the kids aren’t always thankful, but the parents are. After I bought a family shoes, the kids told me the next day how happy their mom was. These parents do not have the money to support their kids. A lot of the parents at the Infa are single moms or single dads. There is this one mom I know that works hard all day selling food but only gets 30 lempira (about a dollar fifty) a day. She has 4 kids to take care of and there’s no way that she can afford to get them clothes, shoes, or stuff for school when she has to pay for food, water, and a place to stay. Sometimes I get frustrated that she doesn’t make them clean their clothes everyday, but what do I know? I always have enough soap to clean my clothes. I’ve been so blind when it’s come to these kids’ poverty. I’m beginning to realize how far my money can go for these people… now that brings me to another thought… it’s about home. I’m not ready to go back and face a certain reality that people back home are not going to care. I’ve heard other missionaries tell me that, but I haven’t actually believed it until now. I posted something up asking for help for the kids and did not receive the response I was hoping for. Maybe it’s not that they don’t care, but that they haven’t been through what I’ve been through and so they don’t understand. I admit, I don’t even understand the difficulties that these people face, but I am trying. How would I feel if I had to go to a school where everyone wore a uniform, but I couldn’t because my parent couldn’t afford it? I’d have go to class everyday with the same dirty clothes and sometimes without shoes. How would I feel if I had no pencil or no notebook to do my homework in so I’d have to just try and soak it all in? How would I feel if I had to walk to and from school in the rain with holey shoes and not have a hope in sight for new ones? I’ve never had to go through any of that, but I’m trying to understand, I really am. It’s going to be hard to go back home to the way things were and also just to society in general. It’s going to be hard to accept these things and the fact that people at home may not want to understand, but I’m glad that I’m realizing that now so that I can prepare myself when I return.

May 18

I was combing through Rosita’s hair and she was telling me about her day. As I started to braid her hair, I commented on how pretty her hair was. She thanked me politely and then she shared her thoughts with me. “I’m going to change my name to Ingris,” she said to me very decidedly. I was surprised at the random change of subject and the choice of name. I asked her why she wanted to do that. I told her that I thought her name was very pretty. She politely thanked me again, but she didn’t agree at all. She then explained what steps she was going to take to make it happen. The steps pretty much turned into one step which was talking to her dad. She explained that she was going to go to her dad and tell him that he should change her name to Ingris. She seemed very serious. I reassured her again that I really liked the name that she had, but she was very determined. Aren’t we all like that? Haha, here I go taking lessons out of everything. We’re determined to change ourselves even when it’s the way God made us. Even if we don’t think that we’re beautiful or if we think low of ourselves, there’s always that One person who thinks we’re perfect just the way we are and we should be able to accept that and see how things are great just the way they are. Rositas parents probably would not appreciate the fact that she wanted to change the name that they had chosen for her… and I think the same thing goes for our heavenly Father. Have we ever stopped to think how God feels when we say that we want Him to change who we are when He Himself made us that way, a work of art? Anyways… just something to think about.

May 16

One of the kids knocked on my door today and came in with a bloody hand and knee. As I cleaned him up, I asked him what had happened. He said that he was biking down the side of the road with another boy and a bus came by and opened the door right when they passed him. The door hit him, he fell off the bike and the bus kept going. Marvin was telling me that he wasn’t even biking on the road, he was on the grass completely. It made me so angry that they could do that. Actually one of the kids at the school died this year because a car had hit him. I’m so thankful that at he wasn’t injured any more than he was. Stupid Honduran bus drivers. It makes me so angry.

May 8

Today I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing. It was my parents wishing me a happy birthday. It was a good start to my day. No matter what happened today, I knew it was going to be a good weekend because Tarynn bought me a cake (she’s pretty much awesome) and we officially named tomorrow cake day. We had been eyeing this cake for a long time and we finally get to eat it tomorrow. That made the whole weekend seem a lot brighter. After I came back from a nearby ministry that we do on Sabbaths, the kids were all waiting by my door. I didn’t think anything of it. I just figured they wanted to come in and listen to music or something. I walked in saw my bed filled with flower petals and there were high school musical balloons taped to my ceiling. There were also papers all across my wall saying Feliz Cumpleaños. Some of the older girls had put it in my room while I was gone. Kids made me cards and gave me many hugs and they all sang to me when we were all gathered together for worship outside. It‘s difficult being away from family, but the closer it gets to departure time, the harder it gets because I have family here too.

May 4

I continued up the rocky path carrying a baby in my arms. Arms shaking and drenched in sweat, I wondered if it was because of my excess arm fat or if it was possible that the baby was growing larger and heavier by the minute. Kids swarmed around Tarynn and I, with as much energy as one could possibly have climbing a mountain. I imagined them trekking up the path in the pouring rain and on days where the sun is unbearably strong. Unlike my spoiled ways, these kids don‘t have a bus to take them home. We finally arrived at the first house and we met the mom of Leila, Paola, Wualdina, and Oscarito. The house was made out of mud and sticks, but she still invited us to sit on the stool she set out for us. Her and all of the other families were all happy to see us and welcomed us to sit down and to see their houses. They all lived very close to each other and so the kids would follow us to each person’s house. Seeing the families of the children reminded me of what these kids have to go to at the end of the day. Sometimes I forget that these kids don’t have very much. When I see them at the Infa, I don‘t think about how they may be going hungry at home or how they may be sleeping in dirt or how their house may be flooding in the pouring rain. I only see them laughing and playing together. If these poor children can laugh and play with the little that they have, why is it sometimes very difficult for me to be happy and content with all that I have?

May 3

I always feel a little hesitant when the kids give me gifts. I know it’s terrible to say, but it’s true. It’s just that the majority of the time, they have a bug in their hands that they try to give me. There was this one time some of the kids gave me a “gift.” It was wrapped in nice pink paper and they carefully taped flowers on the outside. At first I thought it was really sweet, but as I watched all the kids gathering around me with eager, mischievous eyes and their excited voices asking for a camera, I realized that they were preparing to witness me scream in surprise. I carefully opened the gift and saw a can that had a horned beetle inside. Everyone thought it was hilarious (except me of course). One day I’m expecting to see a dead tarantula in our room. That day will definitely make it into this blog. Let’s just hope it never ever happens.

May 2

So my trouble child has calmed down recently. Remember that girl that I told you would call me a dirty old hag, yell at me, and slam doors in my face? Well, she’s the one that’s gotten better. She actually came in my room yesterday and showed me an injured bird that she found. She took a picture with me and the bird (she put it on my head) and I took a picture with her, her brother, and the bird. I was extremely surprised that she would actually come to me and say something especially because often when I tried to talk to her earlier this week, she would just cover her ears and start making noises so she couldn’t hear me. I’m going to be perfectly honest with you. It’s been a struggle to love this child. I’ve been praying over her every time I have to deal with her. Some days I feel like I should reach my hand out and help her. Other days I just feel angry and I want her to feel the same pain that she’s causing me to feel and more. I know it sounds terrible, but that’s what I truly think. This place has really brought out the worst in me. But I believe that God has let the worst come out of me so that I can acknowledge its presence and fix it. He’s showed me the deepest parts of me that I never wanted to see and is showing me that these ugly parts can be turned beautiful with His help.

April 29

In case you were wondering, classes are still continuing at the Infa. We have them every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. It’s still a struggle to get the kids to stay especially when the sun is squeezing ridiculous amounts of sweat from us and the kids have the choice between classes and bathing in the river. Sometimes I guilt them into staying, other times I plead with them, other times I play up the fact that they get a lollipop afterwards, and other times I tell them I’ll tell their parents if they don’t stay. I do what I have to.

Anyways, during class I work with a few of the kids who are especially behind in their reading. My main students are Alfredo and Yenson. Today I only had Alfredo and I have to say I was relieved to be able to focus on one kid for a day. We’ve been working on the vowels since classes have started and he’s improved tremendously. At first he didn’t understand what a letter was or what a word was. When I’d ask him to tell me a word, he’d say a letter (or a sound). When I explained to him, he said he understood. Then when I’d ask him again, he would say a letter again or even “uppercase” or “lowercase.” Now he’s doing better. I decided to just focus on the letter A until he got it. It’s taken a while, but he’s understanding that the different letters stand for different sounds and those make up words. Now he’s learned A, E, I, and O. Sometimes he gets confused, but I’m really excited that he’s at least moving forward. It’s also exciting because he’s excited too. He always asks for more homework and doesn’t complain or misbehave like he used to during class. When I get frustrated, I try to remember that at least we’re getting somewhere and he is learning something.

Patience. Patience. Patience.

April 28

I walked into our room to the smell of Raid welcoming me back from devotional. Raid always gives me mixed feelings. I’m glad that it helps me feel safe, but at the same time it means that there is a dead insect somewhere and I still have to deal with that. I peeked around the corner into the bathroom to find Tarynn with Raid bottle in hand and a pile of ants on the floor. She said that she was about to take a shower, but decided to spray a line of mutant ants before she hopped in. After she sprayed their line, they decided to all come out of their hiding place. She described it like a movie. They all started flowing out of the hole in the wall and there were ants everywhere. At first she was overwhelmed and didn’t know what to do and then she started stomping on the little critters and picked up my friend Raid to help her out. Good thing for Tarynn because if I had to face a sea of mutant ants, I may have shed some tears and this story would have been a lot more dramatic.

April 27

I’m going to miss the rain here. I remember when I first experienced the mutant rain. We were in devotional and there was no possible way that anything could be heard. The speaker had to shout to get us to hear him and even then, it wasn‘t too successful. At first I did not think of it as a positive thing… especially when Tarynn and I had to sleep across both of our beds because the bottom half of hers was wet. But as this country has grown on me, so has the rain. I always love the nights that the rain starts to pour. I love the fact that you can’t hear anyhthing but the rain crashing on whatever gets in its way. Last night the mutant drops rushed down with its usual fury. I could’ve sat watching it pour all night, but instead, I joined the fun. I had already put the girls to bed and there were only a couple of the older kids up. I was playing around with Nabil telling her that I would push her in the water. She of course, being way stronger than I am tried to push me in. I was ready and willing to be soaked… the problem was getting her to get in with me. I risked falling in the mud and as she pushed me, I pulled her down with all my strength. We were soaking wet the second we stepped out of the covering. There was no point in going back under the covering and so we played in the rain and in the puddles. I love how this place makes me do things I would never do back at home. When was the last time you’ve played in the rain and splashed in puddles? Am I going crazy? Could be… but God gave us his creation not only to see his perfection and beauty, but to enjoy it… and that’s what I’m going to do.

April 26

So this short blog is dedicated to the Santa Clarita Pathfinders. They’ve sent me boxes with toothbrushes, combs, coloring books, activities for the kids, and prayers. It’s an awesome thing to see people coming together to work for God. Not only are my kids touched to know that people are sending them love from far away lands, but I’m also deeply touched. I know I’m still a youngin, but after having my own “children,” I think it’s such a beautiful thing to see young people doing this for others. I hope my kids here are filled with the same kind of love for others as they continue to grow. God’s love is definitely shining through the Santa Clarita Pathfinders and I’m so glad to have witnessed it. I thought I’d post a few pictures of the kids and their works of art. Thanks again Pathfinders!

April 24

The dinner bell rang and the kids all rushed into the cafeteria to stuff food down their faces. I sat down at my table with the little girls and I noticed that one girl was missing. I asked where she was and they said that she was in the kitchen. I looked over and there she was tears running down her face and she was motioning me to come over. Worried, I over and she pulled me in the kitchen and she showed me her tooth. It was a wiggler. She was scared of having someone pull it out, but she also didn’t want to eat because it hurt. I was thinking about how often do we do the same thing in our lives. We hold on so tightly to things that hurt us when all we have to do is have God help us take it out of our lives. When he does take away the things that hurt us, something new and stronger will grow in its place. Haha, yes, all this from a tooth.

April 22

We got to go to the water park today with the Infa kids. I was actually excited to go this time because this time I wouldn’t be as sketched out to get in the water. Of course they were still filled with angry bugs that like to bite, but I figured that if I‘ve been in the river, this could not be any worse. The bus arrived at the Hogar to pick me up and we all headed for the water park singing songs at the top of our lungs. When we got there, I was supposed to supervise the deep pool (deep as in up to my shoulders). I hoped to get rid of my sandal tan, but I’m convinced that it’s more permanent than fixable.

After lunch, I switched to watch the younger kids in the shallow pool. It was exhausting. Kids would continually call my name and demand my attention so that I could watch them go down the slide or dunk their head in the water. Some of the adults would make fun of me and call my name too. There was no break time… I looked from one kid sliding forwards to another kid on the other slide sliding back words. I looked from one kid jumping in the pool to another one doing jumps from the slide (I scolded those ones). It was chaos, but I tried to remember how I felt when I was a kid and when I wanted someone to watch me dunk my head in the water or jump in the pool. “Look what I can do!” were the words that my parents would constantly hear. Then they would pretend like I just did something spectacular that no one else in the world has ever done and tell me how special I was. That’s when I’d feel like a rock star and call them again and again leaving my parents exhausted from watching me repeat my cannonball or head dunk a million times over. We don’t realize the many little things that parents put up with until we have to do the same thing. Props to those parents around the world that make their children feel like their cannonball is even cooler than the one they did 5 seconds earlier.

April 21

So yesterday I wrote about the girl who was giving me problems. Well, this morning she was an angel. She got up and took a shower, changed, and did her chore all before worship time. I was so impressed. Last night I had told her that there are consequences to her behavior and that she would be punished the next day. This morning I told her that she couldn’t swim for two days and she excepted it graciously. I was afraid that she was going to get angry again and start giving me attitude, but she didn’t. She came up to me right before devotional and she told me that she was going to do what I said last night. She was going to try harder to behave well and that she wants to be good. I don’t even remember all that I said last night, but that just tells me that God answered my prayer last night and had given me the words to say. Not only did He give me the words, but He let those words reach her. We hugged and she said that she said that she loved me and she continued on without a problem.

Although it was nice to have someone behave well, it doesn’t mean that this morning went by smoothly…Evelin was laying down on the floor and it was Kenia’s chore to sweep the floor. Evelin wouldn’t listen to her when she said to move and so Kenia sweeped the dirt into her face. I told Kenia that there are other ways to get Evelin to move. I told her that she needs to have respect for other people and that she needs to say sorry. This is when she freaked out on me. She started calling me dirty and something along the lines of old hag. Who knows what else she said. She ripped down the star chart I made for her and didn’t listen to anything I said. I talked to her sternly and gave her different punishments, but finally I gave up and decided to call Maria Jose to deal with her. While I was out calling Maria Jose, one of the older girls heard the way she was talking to me and went in the room to deal with her. She scared Kenia by grabbing her by the neck. I know it’s not the best way, but that’s what happened. Kenia was crying when I came back with Maria Jose. She kept saying that she wanted to go home and that she’d never go to school and that it was all because of me. I tried to talk to her nicely as she laid in her bed angry, but she didn’t listen. I told her that I just want the best for her and that I hate having to punish her, but if she acts that way I have to. She said that she doesn’t like me and she hates all the volunteers that come and that she doesn’t want our goodnight kisses or anything from us. I think God is helping me see people in a different light because I know I should have been angry at her, but instead I felt sorry for her. I wanted to help her, but I didn’t know how.

After all the kids left, I made my day a little brighter by having some nutella and bread. Oh the wonders of nutella.

So as I always do, I want to ask you to please send up a prayer right now for my girls and for me so that I have the patience and wisdom to help them.

April 20

Tonight one of the girls was giving me a hard time. She was slamming doors and yelling and talking back big time. After I finally got her to calm down and go to bed, I went to each of the girls to kiss them goodnight and to spend a little time talking with each of them. I came to her last and she was head to toe covered in her blanket. With the ridiculous heat, I started to sweat just by looking at her. She was angry of course, but I pulled the blanket down and I talked to her. As much as I wanted to yell at her for giving me such a hard time, I restrained. It took a lot out of me. I was praying that something would go through and that I wouldn‘t think too much about how I felt about her at the moment, but more about how much God loves her and how much she‘s been through. I tried to encourage her and help her realize that she doesn’t have to act the way that she does. We talked for a while (well, I did most of the talking), but at least she listened and said a few things here and there. I prayed with her at the end and kissed her goodnight. If it weren’t for God’s help there’s no way I could have kept my cool. I wanted to smack that child. Shows you how loving I am. If you have time, please send a prayer up for this one girl and for me so that I deal with her the way He wants me to.

At the Infa, things have been as crazy as ever. Good news though… Lixi is back! I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned that, but yes… my baby is back. She hadn’t come to the Infa for a long time. I missed her so much. I’ve been going earlier to the Infa because her mom asked me to. She said that she can’t work because she has to take care of Lixi. I told her I would go earlier to take care of Lixi and her dirty diapers. The thing is every morning they have an excuse and they bring her late. It’s very frustrating because I could be resting back at the Hogar. My days are very very long especially when there are classes. In classes I’m working with the kids who are behind. There are these siblings who both have some very serious problems in reading and learning. They don’t know any of their alphabet or numbers. I tried to explain why we use the alphabet and that we use letters to form words, but they still didn’t understand. They don’t even know the concept of words or letters. It worries me because I don’t think anyone will take them time to teach them when I leave. I ask them what they’re writing in their notebooks and the kids have no idea. They just copy what’s on the board. The teachers don’t care if they don’t know what it means. They’ll pass them anyways and won‘t take the time to explain it to them. A lot of the kids get really angry if I sit them down and try to help them, but I know that if I give up, they’ll never learn. Some of the kids throw things and yell at me… such as Anayeli. I just wish there was someone who would continue when I’m gone. Their teachers aren’t taking the time to teach them and their parents definitely aren’t taking the time.

Even though it’s extremely stressful, I really enjoy it. I love seeing the kids’ faces when they understand something or when they do something right. I want to continue with it when I get back. I do need a job for the summer and I’m praying that God opens a door for me to work somewhere that will let me continue something along these lines. Pray for me please!!

April 18

Today we said goodbye to our room. Two of the volunteers left last week and so the room was open for the taking. At first we were hesitant because our smelly cramped cubicle had grown on us over these last 7 months. We had a lot of good memories in there… Javier and his cookies, waking up to Elias making his raptor sound, learning how to hula while the boys were gone, being able to walk out and say goodnight to the boys, throwing things over the wall, the alergia song on the ukelele, and so many more. Of course sometimes these memories were not so pleasant such as the smell or when they threw gross stuff over the wall. Altogether, it was a good experience and I will miss that room.

Now we’re settled in the new room and there are some perks. First thing that comes to mind is the space. In our old room sometimes I would actually stress out when there were too many kids in our room (claustrophobia?), but now it doesn‘t bother me. Another thing is that this room is altogether cooler. If the fans weren’t working in our other room, we would start dripping sweat quickly. A third thing is the refrigerator. We have one!! This is very very very exciting especially after a long day at the Infa when I crave cold water. Also I have a place to put my nutella (thanks mom). And to top it off, we have hot water in our bathroom! It’s been a while since I’ve actually wanted to stay in the shower for longer than a second. I feel very spoiled… and I like it.

April 16

It was a sad day for many of the kids today. Two of the volunteers Hannah and Laurel left this morning. I watched as Hannah embraced one of the girls. The car was ready to go, but they continued to hold each other for what seemed like forever. Things would never be the same for them. It hurt me to watch because I knew that my time would coming soon. Last night there was a special worship and some of the kids went up and said some things about the girls and thanking them for their love and their friendship. Many of the kids were crying and I wanted to cry myself. It reminded me how short of a time I have here and that I need to spend all the time I can with these kids. I don’t want to miss out on any memories I can have with them because it’s going to be over before I know it.

April 14

Happy Birthday Kuya Japtheth!

It’s my brother’s birthday and I can just picture my family going out to eat this weekend. Whether it be the Chinese buffet or Korean BBQ, there’s going to be some serious Filipino gathering happening. I’m looking forward to the weekend I get home. I get back the day after my dad’s birthday and I’m positive we’ll be celebrating it with all 20 of us (sometimes more). Sooo excited.

Did I ever tell you what happened to our roommate? Well, if you happen to like mice, you may not want to continue. Carlitos (maintenance guy) put mouse poison out for him. (I know, we’re not very good roommates… but he was eating our food). It had been a while and there was no dead mouse smell so I had forgotten about him. Then one day while I was out and about, Tarynn found the little guy dead right in front of our bathroom door. Thankfully Tarynn was the one to see it because if it were me, who knows what kind of terrifying screams I would of let out. She called Pancho (other maintenance guy) and he just picked it up by the tail and took him outside. And that was the end of our roommate.

Another thing I want to do is thank everyone for their prayers. Taking care of the girls has gotten easier. They still say that they miss Amanda, but they don’t turn on me anymore… at least not all of them at once. It just depends on the day I guess. One day there was this girl Kenia that was acting terrible. Her chore was to mop the room. She did a bad job and so I told her to do it again. I told her that if she had done it well the first time she wouldn’t have to do it again (haha…such a mom thing to say, right?) This was not what she wanted to hear and so she started yelling at me and giving me really bad attitude. She even told me that I should die. Her anger continued that night and she wouldn’t get into bed. I tried to punish her and did everything I could, but she still didn’t listen. Not only that, she was extremely disrespectful in all that she said and did. I finally ended up calling Maria Jose to deal with her because nothing I was doing worked. The next day, she was a lot better.

One day the kids are angry and the next day they love you with all they have. I’m learning what it means to really forgive and forget. I hear this all the time and I say that I forgive and forget someone‘s actions toward me, but then I look at these kids and how they forgive and forget. My idea of forgiving and forgetting is a lot different then theirs. Do I really forgive and forget? Or do I say that I do and leave the little hint of grudge? Do I secretly think that the person doesn’t deserve to be forgiven or that if I let it go it won’t be fair to me and that “justice” needs to be done? Would I want someone else to forgive me the way that I forgive others? Of course not. I need to actually let things go and realize that holding on to things doesn’t get back at the other person, it’s really hurting me. I admit that I’ve been angry at these kids and then for the next day I dwell on that anger and don’t give them the same attention I normally would. But now I think to myself, what’s the point? They’re over it. I’m the one that’s suffering. They’ve already put it in the past and they still love me after I yell at them. I need to learn a lesson from them. God tells us to forgive and forget for a reason. It heals us a lot quicker than grudges do. Leave the past in the past. Forgive and forget… but not like I forgive and forget. Forgive and forget like a child does.

April 10

Happy Sabbath! (:

I love Sabbaths. We usually go on some nature outing with the kids. Today some of the kids went to the lake, some went to the river, and others went to visit someone’s grandmother. There were only a few kids left at the Hogar and at first I enjoyed the sweet quiet time by playing guitar outside. That was great for a while, but being with kids all the time, I get bored a lot easier if they’re not around. I went back into the courtyard to find two girls laying there listening to music. I brought some lollipops and plopped myself down on the ground where they were laying. They had watched the movie “Mouse Trap” the day before and they were telling me all about it. Apparently it was the best movie ever made. After telling me about all of it and it’s glory, they convinced us to go up the mountain behind the Hogar. We gathered up the rest of the people who stayed… which weren’t very many (Five was the total count).

It was such a beautiful day. The five of us climbed up on top of a water tank and looked out at the view. I had brought a bag with me because the kids said there were mangos. Unfortunately some of the other kids had been there sometime before us and picked all of them. We were bummed, but the kids said there was still hope because there was a tamarind tree if we walked farther. We kept going up the trail and to my surprise, the trail opened up to a big open space. The sun was shining through the blossoming trees and there wasn‘t a person in sight. The kids brought us to a tamarind tree and two of them climbed right up (these monkey children all climb trees in a split second). Tarynn followed the kids up while Maria and I stayed below to catch the tamarinds. Sometimes our heads would actually catch them (which wasn’t always an accident).

After that, we went the other way to visit Dario’s mom. She is such a sweet lady (just like her son). She gave us some food and let us pick some mangoes from her tree. Her other son (another monkey child) climbed up the tree and picked the mangoes for us. After experiencing the pain of tamarinds falling on my head, I decided I wouldn’t test the mangoes.

We rushed back as the sun was setting and made it just in time for worship. We all sat under the stars listening to the worship talk. I must confess… I wasn’t listening to a word she said. I couldn’t stop thinking about how much God has blessed me. Days like these remind me how much God delights in us. He wants us to enjoy his nature and enjoy the company of his other children.

April 4

Today some of us went to a waterfall. It was a really nice break from taking care of the girls. We drove for about an hour to get to the starting point and then hiked for a little bit until we go there. The weather was cold because we were up in the mountains, but somehow the kids still convinced me to get in the water… or was it that they splashed water on me until I got in? I can’t remember. J Either way, it was a lot of fun.

Sometimes I forget that I’m in Honduras. Outings such as this one remind me where I am and how lucky I am to have this opportunity. I live in this beautiful country and I can drive forty five minutes and literally be in the jungle. I went swimming by a waterfall today and drove back home in the back of a pick up truck while it was raining. I know that may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but I definitely loved it. Life back at home is nothing like life over here and I know that I’m going to miss it. Sometimes I don’t always make the most of my time here and instead of choosing to go out and have an adventure with the kids, I choose to stay behind. I hope that I don’t do that these last two months. I want to soak in all that I can before I have to leave it all behind.

April 2

It’s my second day with the girls and I’ve already cried. Today I had to get them to clean their room before they showered for vespers. I was trying so hard, but no one would listen. They also kept reminding me that they didn’t like me and wanted me to go back to America because they wanted the other volunteer back. They gave me so much attitude, I wanted to scream. So instead of screaming, I just walked out of the room and fast walked to my room, closed the door and cried. I think the girls realized they had pushed me to my point and one of the girls came in after a while and said they had cleaned the room. Thankfully I had enough time to fix my face. I know that it’s hard for them because year after year, they become close to someone and they end up leaving. They have to have a defense mechanism. I don’t blame them for my mini break down, I’m just frustrated with the situation. I don’t know how to fix it and I’m tired of having to fight with them all the time.

March 30

Okay, so one more day of freedom. I have tomorrow left and then I’m going to have to take care of the girls starting on Thursday. Amanda already gave me advice on how to handle the girls in certain situations and she gave me all of her equipment (stickers, charts, a christian spanish CD for kids, etc.). I should feel ready to take them on, but it‘s not like that at all. But the more I think about it, there’s another part of me that is telling me that I need it. You know how we often take advantage of the things we need the most? Well, maybe this experience will help me open my eyes more and more and help me not go a moment without falling on my knees for help. Maybe it will force me to realize (and realize it often) that I need God‘s power to work through me and in me. I can’t do it on my own and I need to ask for help.

March 28

Today is my weekend work day. I just finished putting the girls to sleep and I’m extremely tired. The girl that usually takes care of them tells them stories at night. This is a lot harder than it sounds. In case you forgot… I’m in Honduras. I’m still dealing with these things in Spanish. I‘m not where I want to be in my Spanish, but I’m still trying my hardest to tell them stories on the days I put them to bed. I’m surprised the girls don’t pass on the stories. They still want to hear it even though they have to wait extra long for the words to come out of my mouth and a lot of times they have to correct me. Thankfully they’re patient with me in that area. The problem is, as soon as Amanda leaves this week, they’re going to be asking me for more stories. While this may be good for my Spanish, it means I have to work extra hard to search for stories. I’m already struggling to remember stories. Don't judge me, but...I took the video fifty first dates and told them that… well… the general idea. Girl has a serious problem, guy falls in love with her, guy works to get her, girl doesn’t want him to get hurt, guy leaves, guy comes back, happy ending. I only hope they understood. Uncle Arthur, where are you when I need you?

March 25

Recently things have been very very rough on me. I feel as though sometimes this place brings out the worst in me. I’ve been thinking about home more and more. Do you remember when I said that I’m torn about leaving here? Some days I want to give up and go home and other days I can’t imagine leaving? Well recently I’ve been wanting to give up. Things seem to be getting crazier at the Infa. There are always kids calling my name and tugging on me. There have been times when I’ve had 5 kids yelling my name at the same time. I’m not exaggerating. And these kids don’t just say what they want once, they repeat and repeat until they get it. There’s one jumping on my back and wanting to play. There’s another pulling my arm because they want me to get them a glass of water. There’s another one crying and saying that someone just hit them. There’s someone bleeding all kinds and I need to go clean them up and bandage it. There’s someone asking for toilet paper (the kids have to ask us every time they need it). Of course there are many other reasons they could be yelling my name, but these are the ones that I hear very often. I especially hate dealing with the kids who are fighting. They’re already in a bad mood and they like to redirect that anger on me after I punish them. Pray for me and my patience. I definitely need more of it.

March 23

Next week one of the other student missionaries is going to leave. This means that I have to take over the little girls’ room. All this time I’ve been like the babysitter. I would take care of them on the weekend. I would always dread having to work on the weekend because you know how kids behave for the babysitter or the substitute teacher. It’s always ten times worse than normal. That’s what I have to deal with every weekend when I have to take care of the girl’s room. I remember the first time I had to take care of them. Right after they went to bed, I ran to my room and cried. Now I have to be with them everyday for the rest of my time here. I feel bad about it, but I feel a lot closer to the kids at the Infa. They’re just as rowdy, sometimes more, but I know how to handle it at the Infa. I’m at the Infa most of the day. I don’t know what to do here at the Hogar. Amanda (the one that is taking care of the girls right now) said that she felt the same way when she started taking care of the girls. They wouldn’t listen and they would be absolutely terrible with her, but after they got used to her, they settled down. The thing is, I don’t feel like I have any more patience for the “getting used to me” part. I need a lot of prayer because next week my work load gets a lot heavier and I’m scared that I’m going to be snapping at the kids more than having the patience that I want to have.

At the Infa things are stressful… especially on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. The missionaries before us started a reading program with the kids and I wanted to start it up again. When I was helping some of the kids with their homework, I found kids that are in 6th grade who still cannot read. This really got to me because my parents have always pushed me to do well in school and I feel like there’s no one to push these kids and even if they want to, the teachers don’t always give them the attention they need. So what I’m doing is paying a teacher around $7.50 each week to help these kids. Thankfully the Seventh Day Adventist church in Newbury Park “the Place” has donated money and I’m going to use that to continue paying her and buying supplies for these kids. She’s actually a teacher at the high school and agreed to help out. She’s definitely not in it for the money and I’m thankful that there’s someone like her to help from her heart. The first day she came she told the kids, “Never believe anyone that tells you that you aren’t smart. All of you are very intelligent. The problem is the teacher. It has nothing to do with you. They didn’t teach you right, but It’s okay because now I’m here and I’m going to teach you.” That right there won me over. I could already tell that she cared about the kids. Although we have a teacher and I’m there helping, there’s still one major problem. The kids that really really need to come aren’t coming. I’ve already started to bribe them by telling them if they stay they’ll get lollipops. I feel like I need to talk to the 6th grader’s mom, but even then, sometimes the parents may not even care. It’s been hard especially because I’ve tried so hard to set this up for them and then when I talk to those who really need to come, they agree that they’ll stay. Then three o’clock comes around and they run down the street. One day I ran out to the street and called after them. I was desperate. I called for those certain kids to come back so I could talk to them. I wanted to at least try to convince them to stay. They turned around and started dashing down the street. I was so frustrated that I was about to cry, but I told myself that there are others in the class right now that want to learn and I have to do all I can for them. So I went back to the classroom and started helping the kids who are younger. The teacher takes the older kids and I take the younger ones. There are these certain kids who I cannot control. They were disrupting the whole class and anything and everything I did wouldn’t work. I couldn’t sit there and watch them the whole time, I had to help different kids with their work. I was going crazy. I wanted to spend the time with certain kids (there’s this one boy who would switch b for c and s for f. He didn‘t know his alphabet either). Anyways, at the end of the class, I gave the lollipops to everyone except for these certain troublemakers and the boys flipped out. At first they started begging me and saying sorry. When they realized that there was no way I would give in, they became angry and yelled not so nice things at me and the teacher. I wanted to take them out of the class forever, but these kids need it. They’re the ones we see at the Infa early because they say their teachers kicked them out. How are they supposed to learn anything if the teachers are kicking them out and if we‘re kicking them out too? They need special attention and I want to give it to them, but I don’t have enough of me to give special attention that I want to give to everyone. I really don’t know what to do.

March 16

Last week there was a group of Americans (the kids always referred to them as gringos). They were a college group from somewhere near Chicago. They came to build a small room at the Infa for Mirna and her son to sleep. They also came to give VBS for the kids at the Infa. The week before I was extremely excited about them coming, all the memories of what it was like with groups flooded back. Don’t get me wrong, it’s really touching that people will come to help and I’m especially happy when I get to see my kids like this, but the downside is somehow whenever groups come, the kids seem to be taking energy pills by the handful. Tarynn and I felt like all we did was punish the kids. I was tired and it didn’t help that the sun felt like dropping a 105 degree bomb on us. Last Thursday night the group invited us to have ice cream with them and we sat in a restaurant and they just asked us questions. I, of course, being the nervous wreck that I am, let Tarynn do most of the talking. They asked us questions about the kids, why we were there, how we felt, how normal days went, etc.. Although we have a lot more work on our hands when groups come, it really is a great thing that they’re doing. I know I’ve been on short term mission trips before wondering if it makes a difference to these kids if I come or stay, but now I can see that it does. These kids get so excited about people coming and I think all kids deserve to have fun like that every so and so. Plus, it makes them feel loved and they definitely need that. The kids are still singing this one song that the group taught them. Actually we all sing it… all the time. I’m not sure if I want to thank them or not. It’s called Oh Mango Tree and every time I seem to get it out of my head, someone decides to sing it again. It never ends.

March 9

Again with the sad moments… Maria gave me a letter telling me that I’m like a sister to her and that she loves me and that I’m always in her heart. She said that when I go, I have to tell everyone there about the Hogar and she said not to forget about her. She also said that I should study hard so that I can return someday to see her. I wanted to cry. I still have 3 months left! Am I ever going to see these kids again?? I don’t want to lose contact with them, but how am I going to do that when the kids are so far and they don’t exactly have a lot of internet or phone access. This is going to be very hard.

I had talked to one of the teachers at the high school and asked if she would come help kids at the Infa who couldn‘t read. She had done this program before, but stopped for some reason. The volunteer that took care of the Infa before had paid her $2.50 for each hour. She agreed to start it up again. I would do it, but my Spanish isn’t perfect and I can’t help the kids the way someone like her could. I told a few of the kids who couldn’t read to stay and I bribed them with lollipops. We waited and waited but she never showed up. Some of the kids really wanted her to come and I was really excited about it too. It was a huge disappointment for me when she never showed up. I’m hoping she just forgot because I’m not wanting to give up on this.

Um so in the middle of this blog, a little mouse decided to grace us with its presence. So now I’m here refusing to step off of my bed and Carlitos (works maintenance) searched for the mouse. After 5 minutes of searching, he decided that it wasn’t going to show up and that we’d have to call him if we see it again. So for now, Tarynn and I have a new little roommate.

March 4

I feel like I have lice crawling all over me. There are two new girls at the Infa and they’ve got some serious lice problems. Every time I combed through their hair with the lice comb that the group from Andrews gave us, 5 lice would fall out… sometimes more. I’m not exaggerating. The poor kids are scratching their heads all the time. So today, I shampooed their heads with lice shampoo. Usually kids squirm and protest, but these girls did it willingly. So now after shampooing their heads and combing through it, I feel like the lice have jumped onto my head. We’ve been taught the valuable from preschool that it’s good to share. I guess these kids haven’t forgotten.

Another special moment happened while I was scrubbing uniforms. Paola came up behind me and watched me for a little bit (she is such a cutie). She started asking me questions about my family and where I live. She looked at me with huge eyes when I said that I live in the United States. She asked me how long I was going to be staying here and I told her that I have about three more months left. I stopped scrubbing because she looked at me with the huge eyes again. That’s when she turned serious and said, “Shearin, don’t go.” I guess it startled me because I wasn‘t expecting that from her. It wasn’t close enough to my departure date for them to be saying things like that. I told her that I have to go back to study and she said it again. She reminded me that there were places to study in Honduras. I almost died. What was I supposed to say to her? All I said was that I would try to visit and that I will cry very hard when I have to go. Thankfully some of her friends found her and pulled her away right at that moment. I didn’t know what else to say to her. I was so sad. I figured that if I feel this way now, I’m going to be a wreck in three months. Wish me luck.

February 24

I have about 3 months left and I’m not sure if I’m excited or not. Some days when the kids have been terrible and I feel like crying, I start thinking about how great it is going to be when I get home. Then there are other days when I feel like something’s working with the kids and my brain begins to clear. I realize that all these things I’m going through are breaking me and building me up to be stronger than I ever was. Today I had to wash a lot of the kids’ school uniforms because they were filthy (the word filthy is an understatement, the dirt cannot be removed no matter how long and hard I scrub). I washed them all by hand in extremely hot humid weather. There I was drenched in sweat in the little mosquito infested laundry hut and I thought about how I would feel if I had to do this every day for the rest of my life. That’s when one of the younger boys walked in shyly. He asked me if I would wash his uniform too. I took his uniform which was beyond the cure of soap and I smiled at him. These kids need people to take care of them. I feel like even though all I did today was wash clothes and pick out ridiculous amounts of lice, God’s teaching me that it’s making a difference. Everything we do should be done to the best of our abilities no matter how small the task. When people see that, they’ll know there’s something different in you. Let me tell you, it is very hard for me to follow that advice. I feel like I’m always getting frustrated and angry at the kids and I don’t do everything the best I can. Nonetheless, I will definitely continue to try… and hopefully the kids will see that they are loved, not just by Tarynn and me, but more importantly by God.

February 16, 2010

I’ve been trying to open up my blogs that I made for Christmas time, but they don’t work anymore. So I’ll give you a short summary. One of the volunteers had their parents visiting and their church donated new clothes for all the kids here at the Hogar. The night before Christmas Eve, we stayed up wrapping the clothes up for the kids. It was a really fun night. We were all super excited to give the presents to the kids. Christmas Eve came and Maria Jose and Txus took the kids into the cafeteria to play some “games.” They weren’t supposed to get Christmas presents this year, but thanks to Hannah’s church, they were able to. While Maria Jose and Txus were distracting them, we were loading all of their gifts into a wheelbarrow and we put on our costumes. Hannah dressed as an elf and the rest of us were reindeer. The second we walked into the cafeteria, everyone broke out in cheers. Some kids jumped out of their seats and ran to meet us. That was the best Christmas I’ve had. Seeing those kids react like that was such an amazing feeling. I felt like a mother. All I wanted to do was see them open their presents and watch them jump with excitement when they saw their new shirt or their new cleats. I didn’t need or want anything else. It was great. After that, the kids went outside and lit some firecrackers. It was fun watching, but , I decided to go to bed before I collapsed. The next day, it was great. No one had to wake up early and we didn’t have to make the kids do any chores. The kids still woke up early and woke me up, but it wasn’t as loud as it normally was. Breakfast was on the kitchen counter and we could eat whenever we felt like it. The kids played soccer for a lot of the day and I relaxed. It was a very very very good day.

February 3, 2010

The other day, Tarynn and I arrived at the Infa and found that Yesmin was crying. I asked what was going on, but Yesmin refused to fit words between her sobs and the other kids hadn’t been able to tell me either. Finally Isabel explained that last night, she was bit by a bug and her arm was swelling. Isabel wrote me a note for the doctor and I rushed her over to the clinic. Her sister had caught the bug and she put it in a jar. I was so scared for Yesmin because her arm looked so swollen and there was a dark spot where the bug bit her. We sat in the waiting room for a while and I was uncomfortable until Yesmin finally started relaxing. After some time, she said that it was feeling better… but her arm was still extremely swollen and it still hurt a little. Do you remember the doctor that cut off whatever it was that Laura had in her thumb? Do you remember how sketchy he was? Well, the same one ended up looking at Yesmin’s arm. It made me nervous, but I’m not sure if he helps the kids for free, so I prayed for the best. We went into his office and he was eating a doughnut. He asked her some questions and then he took medicine, put some bottled water in it and mixed it around. Then he took another bottle of medicine and poured the first bottle into the second. He spilled some on the desk and some on the chair and just wiped it off with his doughnut napkin. Then he put some of the medicine in a spoon and gave it to Yesmin. After she took it, he stuffed the spoon into a box of medicne and gave it to her. He said after she takes the medicine for a month, she has to go to the hospital to take a test (does he seem sketchy to anyone else too? … thankfully she seemed to be doing better the rest of the day). She wanted to see her mom afterwards and so I took her to the restaurant that her mom worked at. Her mom gave me a guava drink and because I was ready to start cooking on my skin, I accepted. When I was heading back to the Infa, I saw two brothers, Christian and Hector, who used to go to the Infa. They’re definitely kids that need to go and so I asked them to come with me to the Infa. After bribing them with my drink and chocolate that my family gave me to pass out, Hector agreed to come. Christian, on the other hand, said that he did not want to go and ran the other way down some street. Hector said that one of the other boys told them they weren’t aloud to go back to the Infa. That made me angry, but I figured I could deal with it later. At least Hector is coming now. Sometimes we’ve heard that volunteers have resorted to bribing the kids to come and I’m not against the idea at all. They need to come and I’ve got the chocolate to encourage that to happen.

February 2, 2009

I know, I know. It’s been a long time. I have an excuse . My computer decided to give up on this whole Honduras thing. It proved to be more out of shape than I am and refuses to turn it’s screen on. And because I’d rather not spend the money to be on the internet for long periods of time, I just neglected my blog altogether… but good news! My parents have come to visit me and my dad is letting me use his laptop while I’m here so my period of neglect is over and I’ll be typing more novels for you to read… at least I’ll try to.

This past month has been a little problematic. Tarynn and I have been having issues at the Infa and we‘ve both been stressed. I don’t want to go into all the details but after we’ve had a few meetings, we’re hoping things will get better. I just want to ask that you keep us and the Infa in your prayers.

On to the happier things.

My parents are here!! This means many things. This means that I’m going to gain half of my body weight in these two weeks because of all the wonderful goodies they’ve brought. This also means that I’m actually taking a vacation! Horray! I’m going off with my family for 6 days to different places here on Honduras. While I’m bubbling with happiness, I also feel guilty for leaving Tarynn and the kids for so long. I’ve signed up for this, and I just feel like vacations are unnecessary. Also, I’m nervous how this is going to affect me when they leave. I’m scared that homesickness may come hunt me down, but I guess I can’t worry about it now.

I want you all to know that I’ve been working on my drawing skills, although instead of getting better, it‘s slowly gotten worse. Everyday, the kids beg us to let them color (thanks to a friend of Tarynn’s we have a little crate full of colors). I used to cherish coloring time, but recently things have changed. When coloring was peaceful, the kids would draw house after house after house with their interesting color combinations. The orange and purple house is a crowd favorite and there‘s always a blue dog or rainbow colored cat thrown into the mix to make the picture complete. Then when the Christmas season came, coloring time was changed forever. In an ignorant attempt to broaden their horizons, I decided that I would draw them Christmas trees to color. I did not realize that that was the end of my peaceful color time. The kids began to ask for different pictures. At first, this was great and I thought it would be fun, but you know how many of us are, we tend to steer towards what we’re used to. They went back to drawing the same things over and over again, but this time they weren’t drawing it… I was. I drew countless Christmas trees and Santas for them to color and instead of getting better every time, they‘ve slowly gotten worse. Thankfully the kids don’t notice and they look at their Christmas tree that has a hint of resemblance to the Leaning Tower of Pisa, and they smile as if they had never seen anything so beautiful. I’m very thankful for that. The Christmas season lasted a lot longer than it should have and I was drawing Christmas trees and Santas way past Christmas. I figured that I’d try to change things up again. Currently, I’m drawing princes on horses fighting dragons for the boys and Cinderella and her carriage for the girls. Cinderella has quickly found her way to being my least favorite Disney character ever. Thankfully the girls still love her with her crooked face and deformed carriage.

January 10

hello my friends!!! okay, so I can´t find the thumb drive with my saved blog entries... so stay in tuned. when I find it, I will post it.... there are always kids in and out of our room jumping on our beds and touching everything... it could be anywhere.

but everything´s going well! Don´t stop praying for me! I need it!