nov 7

Those of you that know me, I’m on the shy side of things. I truly despise talking in front of people. Whether or not I have to talk in front of 200 people or only 2, I start to shake. I can’t control it. I become Miss Awkward. I never know what to say and I just start giggling or I start to jumble my words together or sometimes my voice even trembles. Small talk is more like no talk when I attempt it. When I was in 1st or 2nd grade, I was in this shy program. They would take me out for a portion of class time and I would have to go into this room with some lady and just play for thirty minutes or so. I remember it being torture. Although she was nice, I felt so very uncomfortable. This past year I worked as a Resident’s Assistant. I tried my best to start talking to people. I absolutely loved it, but it was really hard for me sometimes. I think being an RA helped me a lot, but I still have got a lot of shy problems. The volunteers all have Sabbath school together every week and we all were going to take a turn leading it. I declined. I cant describe it, but every time I start to want to say something, I suddenly don’t know what it is I want to say. I can’t put the words together and my heart starts to flutter like I’m in mid-sprint. Everything gets jumbled together and I forget why I was thinking about saying something in the first place. I look back and try to figure out if I’m doing the right thing, but I’m torn. I keep thinking that Moses was someone who didn’t speak well. He declined when God told him to go to Pharaoh because he didn’t think he could speak. He could’ve been a great speaker if he would’ve let God do his thing. But I also keep thinking that God has given me music to express myself. He’s given us each different talents and I can express myself through song and lyric. Not everyone has the same gifts, right? Anyways, let me know what you think.

Other than that, today has been pretty relaxed. Oh wait… Marta. You know all of the troubles she’s been having this week. I know I need more patience. I know that I need to be better, but it’s extremely hard with her. Today she came back to the Hogar. She eats at my table and I was already dreading it because she always has problems. One time I told her that she needed to eat her salad and she threw something across the table, knocked a chair down, slammed on the table, and walked out of the cafeteria (almost everyone was staring). It was embarrassing, but what was I supposed to do? So there she was again… not eating anything. I seriously did not want to deal with it today. I was already frustrated with her and she refused to eat it because she said I was sitting at the table. I told her that it didn’t matter whether or not I was there. She had to eat it. It makes me angry because these kids don’t remember what it’s like to have nothing. They’re so spoiled with food everyday while there are kids at the Infa who aren’t so fortunate. These kids at the Hogar always complain and act like they deserve to have anything they want. It really frustrates me sometimes.

On a lighter note… some of the kids put a little snake in our room. Thankfully they came in and got it out, but there was one boy who kept pretending to put it on my bed or in my face. He kept asking me where he should put it. I wanted to scream. You should all be proud because instead of doing what my insides wanted me to do (scream and run away), I thought clearly. It was a small snake and if I flinched and showed him that I was really scared, he was just going to make things worse. And so I held my ground and told him to stop. I’m getting better at this not screaming thing! It’s a very good sign.