Thursday, April 8, 2010
March 25
Recently things have been very very rough on me. I feel as though sometimes this place brings out the worst in me. I’ve been thinking about home more and more. Do you remember when I said that I’m torn about leaving here? Some days I want to give up and go home and other days I can’t imagine leaving? Well recently I’ve been wanting to give up. Things seem to be getting crazier at the Infa. There are always kids calling my name and tugging on me. There have been times when I’ve had 5 kids yelling my name at the same time. I’m not exaggerating. And these kids don’t just say what they want once, they repeat and repeat until they get it. There’s one jumping on my back and wanting to play. There’s another pulling my arm because they want me to get them a glass of water. There’s another one crying and saying that someone just hit them. There’s someone bleeding all kinds and I need to go clean them up and bandage it. There’s someone asking for toilet paper (the kids have to ask us every time they need it). Of course there are many other reasons they could be yelling my name, but these are the ones that I hear very often. I especially hate dealing with the kids who are fighting. They’re already in a bad mood and they like to redirect that anger on me after I punish them. Pray for me and my patience. I definitely need more of it.
March 23
Next week one of the other student missionaries is going to leave. This means that I have to take over the little girls’ room. All this time I’ve been like the babysitter. I would take care of them on the weekend. I would always dread having to work on the weekend because you know how kids behave for the babysitter or the substitute teacher. It’s always ten times worse than normal. That’s what I have to deal with every weekend when I have to take care of the girl’s room. I remember the first time I had to take care of them. Right after they went to bed, I ran to my room and cried. Now I have to be with them everyday for the rest of my time here. I feel bad about it, but I feel a lot closer to the kids at the Infa. They’re just as rowdy, sometimes more, but I know how to handle it at the Infa. I’m at the Infa most of the day. I don’t know what to do here at the Hogar. Amanda (the one that is taking care of the girls right now) said that she felt the same way when she started taking care of the girls. They wouldn’t listen and they would be absolutely terrible with her, but after they got used to her, they settled down. The thing is, I don’t feel like I have any more patience for the “getting used to me” part. I need a lot of prayer because next week my work load gets a lot heavier and I’m scared that I’m going to be snapping at the kids more than having the patience that I want to have.
At the Infa things are stressful… especially on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. The missionaries before us started a reading program with the kids and I wanted to start it up again. When I was helping some of the kids with their homework, I found kids that are in 6th grade who still cannot read. This really got to me because my parents have always pushed me to do well in school and I feel like there’s no one to push these kids and even if they want to, the teachers don’t always give them the attention they need. So what I’m doing is paying a teacher around $7.50 each week to help these kids. Thankfully the Seventh Day Adventist church in Newbury Park “the Place” has donated money and I’m going to use that to continue paying her and buying supplies for these kids. She’s actually a teacher at the high school and agreed to help out. She’s definitely not in it for the money and I’m thankful that there’s someone like her to help from her heart. The first day she came she told the kids, “Never believe anyone that tells you that you aren’t smart. All of you are very intelligent. The problem is the teacher. It has nothing to do with you. They didn’t teach you right, but It’s okay because now I’m here and I’m going to teach you.” That right there won me over. I could already tell that she cared about the kids. Although we have a teacher and I’m there helping, there’s still one major problem. The kids that really really need to come aren’t coming. I’ve already started to bribe them by telling them if they stay they’ll get lollipops. I feel like I need to talk to the 6th grader’s mom, but even then, sometimes the parents may not even care. It’s been hard especially because I’ve tried so hard to set this up for them and then when I talk to those who really need to come, they agree that they’ll stay. Then three o’clock comes around and they run down the street. One day I ran out to the street and called after them. I was desperate. I called for those certain kids to come back so I could talk to them. I wanted to at least try to convince them to stay. They turned around and started dashing down the street. I was so frustrated that I was about to cry, but I told myself that there are others in the class right now that want to learn and I have to do all I can for them. So I went back to the classroom and started helping the kids who are younger. The teacher takes the older kids and I take the younger ones. There are these certain kids who I cannot control. They were disrupting the whole class and anything and everything I did wouldn’t work. I couldn’t sit there and watch them the whole time, I had to help different kids with their work. I was going crazy. I wanted to spend the time with certain kids (there’s this one boy who would switch b for c and s for f. He didn‘t know his alphabet either). Anyways, at the end of the class, I gave the lollipops to everyone except for these certain troublemakers and the boys flipped out. At first they started begging me and saying sorry. When they realized that there was no way I would give in, they became angry and yelled not so nice things at me and the teacher. I wanted to take them out of the class forever, but these kids need it. They’re the ones we see at the Infa early because they say their teachers kicked them out. How are they supposed to learn anything if the teachers are kicking them out and if we‘re kicking them out too? They need special attention and I want to give it to them, but I don’t have enough of me to give special attention that I want to give to everyone. I really don’t know what to do.
At the Infa things are stressful… especially on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. The missionaries before us started a reading program with the kids and I wanted to start it up again. When I was helping some of the kids with their homework, I found kids that are in 6th grade who still cannot read. This really got to me because my parents have always pushed me to do well in school and I feel like there’s no one to push these kids and even if they want to, the teachers don’t always give them the attention they need. So what I’m doing is paying a teacher around $7.50 each week to help these kids. Thankfully the Seventh Day Adventist church in Newbury Park “the Place” has donated money and I’m going to use that to continue paying her and buying supplies for these kids. She’s actually a teacher at the high school and agreed to help out. She’s definitely not in it for the money and I’m thankful that there’s someone like her to help from her heart. The first day she came she told the kids, “Never believe anyone that tells you that you aren’t smart. All of you are very intelligent. The problem is the teacher. It has nothing to do with you. They didn’t teach you right, but It’s okay because now I’m here and I’m going to teach you.” That right there won me over. I could already tell that she cared about the kids. Although we have a teacher and I’m there helping, there’s still one major problem. The kids that really really need to come aren’t coming. I’ve already started to bribe them by telling them if they stay they’ll get lollipops. I feel like I need to talk to the 6th grader’s mom, but even then, sometimes the parents may not even care. It’s been hard especially because I’ve tried so hard to set this up for them and then when I talk to those who really need to come, they agree that they’ll stay. Then three o’clock comes around and they run down the street. One day I ran out to the street and called after them. I was desperate. I called for those certain kids to come back so I could talk to them. I wanted to at least try to convince them to stay. They turned around and started dashing down the street. I was so frustrated that I was about to cry, but I told myself that there are others in the class right now that want to learn and I have to do all I can for them. So I went back to the classroom and started helping the kids who are younger. The teacher takes the older kids and I take the younger ones. There are these certain kids who I cannot control. They were disrupting the whole class and anything and everything I did wouldn’t work. I couldn’t sit there and watch them the whole time, I had to help different kids with their work. I was going crazy. I wanted to spend the time with certain kids (there’s this one boy who would switch b for c and s for f. He didn‘t know his alphabet either). Anyways, at the end of the class, I gave the lollipops to everyone except for these certain troublemakers and the boys flipped out. At first they started begging me and saying sorry. When they realized that there was no way I would give in, they became angry and yelled not so nice things at me and the teacher. I wanted to take them out of the class forever, but these kids need it. They’re the ones we see at the Infa early because they say their teachers kicked them out. How are they supposed to learn anything if the teachers are kicking them out and if we‘re kicking them out too? They need special attention and I want to give it to them, but I don’t have enough of me to give special attention that I want to give to everyone. I really don’t know what to do.
March 16
Last week there was a group of Americans (the kids always referred to them as gringos). They were a college group from somewhere near Chicago. They came to build a small room at the Infa for Mirna and her son to sleep. They also came to give VBS for the kids at the Infa. The week before I was extremely excited about them coming, all the memories of what it was like with groups flooded back. Don’t get me wrong, it’s really touching that people will come to help and I’m especially happy when I get to see my kids like this, but the downside is somehow whenever groups come, the kids seem to be taking energy pills by the handful. Tarynn and I felt like all we did was punish the kids. I was tired and it didn’t help that the sun felt like dropping a 105 degree bomb on us. Last Thursday night the group invited us to have ice cream with them and we sat in a restaurant and they just asked us questions. I, of course, being the nervous wreck that I am, let Tarynn do most of the talking. They asked us questions about the kids, why we were there, how we felt, how normal days went, etc.. Although we have a lot more work on our hands when groups come, it really is a great thing that they’re doing. I know I’ve been on short term mission trips before wondering if it makes a difference to these kids if I come or stay, but now I can see that it does. These kids get so excited about people coming and I think all kids deserve to have fun like that every so and so. Plus, it makes them feel loved and they definitely need that. The kids are still singing this one song that the group taught them. Actually we all sing it… all the time. I’m not sure if I want to thank them or not. It’s called Oh Mango Tree and every time I seem to get it out of my head, someone decides to sing it again. It never ends.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
March 9
Again with the sad moments… Maria gave me a letter telling me that I’m like a sister to her and that she loves me and that I’m always in her heart. She said that when I go, I have to tell everyone there about the Hogar and she said not to forget about her. She also said that I should study hard so that I can return someday to see her. I wanted to cry. I still have 3 months left! Am I ever going to see these kids again?? I don’t want to lose contact with them, but how am I going to do that when the kids are so far and they don’t exactly have a lot of internet or phone access. This is going to be very hard.
I had talked to one of the teachers at the high school and asked if she would come help kids at the Infa who couldn‘t read. She had done this program before, but stopped for some reason. The volunteer that took care of the Infa before had paid her $2.50 for each hour. She agreed to start it up again. I would do it, but my Spanish isn’t perfect and I can’t help the kids the way someone like her could. I told a few of the kids who couldn’t read to stay and I bribed them with lollipops. We waited and waited but she never showed up. Some of the kids really wanted her to come and I was really excited about it too. It was a huge disappointment for me when she never showed up. I’m hoping she just forgot because I’m not wanting to give up on this.
Um so in the middle of this blog, a little mouse decided to grace us with its presence. So now I’m here refusing to step off of my bed and Carlitos (works maintenance) searched for the mouse. After 5 minutes of searching, he decided that it wasn’t going to show up and that we’d have to call him if we see it again. So for now, Tarynn and I have a new little roommate.
I had talked to one of the teachers at the high school and asked if she would come help kids at the Infa who couldn‘t read. She had done this program before, but stopped for some reason. The volunteer that took care of the Infa before had paid her $2.50 for each hour. She agreed to start it up again. I would do it, but my Spanish isn’t perfect and I can’t help the kids the way someone like her could. I told a few of the kids who couldn’t read to stay and I bribed them with lollipops. We waited and waited but she never showed up. Some of the kids really wanted her to come and I was really excited about it too. It was a huge disappointment for me when she never showed up. I’m hoping she just forgot because I’m not wanting to give up on this.
Um so in the middle of this blog, a little mouse decided to grace us with its presence. So now I’m here refusing to step off of my bed and Carlitos (works maintenance) searched for the mouse. After 5 minutes of searching, he decided that it wasn’t going to show up and that we’d have to call him if we see it again. So for now, Tarynn and I have a new little roommate.
March 4
I feel like I have lice crawling all over me. There are two new girls at the Infa and they’ve got some serious lice problems. Every time I combed through their hair with the lice comb that the group from Andrews gave us, 5 lice would fall out… sometimes more. I’m not exaggerating. The poor kids are scratching their heads all the time. So today, I shampooed their heads with lice shampoo. Usually kids squirm and protest, but these girls did it willingly. So now after shampooing their heads and combing through it, I feel like the lice have jumped onto my head. We’ve been taught the valuable from preschool that it’s good to share. I guess these kids haven’t forgotten.
Another special moment happened while I was scrubbing uniforms. Paola came up behind me and watched me for a little bit (she is such a cutie). She started asking me questions about my family and where I live. She looked at me with huge eyes when I said that I live in the United States. She asked me how long I was going to be staying here and I told her that I have about three more months left. I stopped scrubbing because she looked at me with the huge eyes again. That’s when she turned serious and said, “Shearin, don’t go.” I guess it startled me because I wasn‘t expecting that from her. It wasn’t close enough to my departure date for them to be saying things like that. I told her that I have to go back to study and she said it again. She reminded me that there were places to study in Honduras. I almost died. What was I supposed to say to her? All I said was that I would try to visit and that I will cry very hard when I have to go. Thankfully some of her friends found her and pulled her away right at that moment. I didn’t know what else to say to her. I was so sad. I figured that if I feel this way now, I’m going to be a wreck in three months. Wish me luck.
Another special moment happened while I was scrubbing uniforms. Paola came up behind me and watched me for a little bit (she is such a cutie). She started asking me questions about my family and where I live. She looked at me with huge eyes when I said that I live in the United States. She asked me how long I was going to be staying here and I told her that I have about three more months left. I stopped scrubbing because she looked at me with the huge eyes again. That’s when she turned serious and said, “Shearin, don’t go.” I guess it startled me because I wasn‘t expecting that from her. It wasn’t close enough to my departure date for them to be saying things like that. I told her that I have to go back to study and she said it again. She reminded me that there were places to study in Honduras. I almost died. What was I supposed to say to her? All I said was that I would try to visit and that I will cry very hard when I have to go. Thankfully some of her friends found her and pulled her away right at that moment. I didn’t know what else to say to her. I was so sad. I figured that if I feel this way now, I’m going to be a wreck in three months. Wish me luck.
February 24
I have about 3 months left and I’m not sure if I’m excited or not. Some days when the kids have been terrible and I feel like crying, I start thinking about how great it is going to be when I get home. Then there are other days when I feel like something’s working with the kids and my brain begins to clear. I realize that all these things I’m going through are breaking me and building me up to be stronger than I ever was. Today I had to wash a lot of the kids’ school uniforms because they were filthy (the word filthy is an understatement, the dirt cannot be removed no matter how long and hard I scrub). I washed them all by hand in extremely hot humid weather. There I was drenched in sweat in the little mosquito infested laundry hut and I thought about how I would feel if I had to do this every day for the rest of my life. That’s when one of the younger boys walked in shyly. He asked me if I would wash his uniform too. I took his uniform which was beyond the cure of soap and I smiled at him. These kids need people to take care of them. I feel like even though all I did today was wash clothes and pick out ridiculous amounts of lice, God’s teaching me that it’s making a difference. Everything we do should be done to the best of our abilities no matter how small the task. When people see that, they’ll know there’s something different in you. Let me tell you, it is very hard for me to follow that advice. I feel like I’m always getting frustrated and angry at the kids and I don’t do everything the best I can. Nonetheless, I will definitely continue to try… and hopefully the kids will see that they are loved, not just by Tarynn and me, but more importantly by God.
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